We were at a retreat center in Mexico. The first night I got there I was lead with a group into a shallow pond by the facilitator. He was moved around in the water, but there was a slippery path of sorts made up of rocks sticking out of the date, and the trick was that we would stick to the path until we realized there was no way to be there, but to get wet. The facilitator was a small thin white haired man, much like the Italian who came to my Yoga class last night.
At one point some guys wrestling slammed into Misha and he hit his head on the floor. I was very angry at them and was going to tell their group leader until I realized that they were in my group. The I gave one of the guys a Chappa, as as he walked out the for, not to hurt him so much as express my anger.
Went with Jaina and the kids to a dinner type event with Corepower. Mattie Weis showed up and stuck a paper at my neck, slicing me, giving a paper cut. I was very angry at her and searching fo ways to punish her, told her she couldn't come to my Yoga class anymore. Jaina and I got into a conversation with Labron James... He was rapping, and I sensed trying to impress Jaina... I asked him if the beat was by Ninth Wonder and he said that yes it was.
Then I got into a conversation with some rapper who was young. In the background there was an initiation ceremony taking place mostly with African American Males, but some white guys who loved Hip Hop. During my conversation I noticed that Jaina had left. I had started to talk about the 5% nation, and the conversation ended on an awkward note. I left the meeting room. In the lobby there were serving a dessert of blueberries and Yogurt. I asked them f it was vegan. They said no. They sad they could make me one that was 10% vegan. I made a fuss about how I couldn't eat it, but then grabbed a handful of the non-vegan food secretly on my way out the door (hmmmm).
Walked across the grounds. There were police with drug dogs walking around. The dogs kept sniffing me, and then biting an ore that I was carrying. Finally I chased them off. I realized we were in Mexico and had driven there in Ascensia's VW Bus that she owned. I walked to where Jaina was, but ended up at the bottom of a hill along the water, pilled with stone yard sculptures potted plants, buddha sculptures and other outdoor decorations. I climbed up through the things, having to move stuff around to get through finally coming out on the lawn outside where Jaina and the girls and I were staying.
She was surprised to see me coming out of the weeds and not on the path. She told me that Jared brewing ton had said I grabbed his weenie. I got really mad and said that was BS. That he used to do that in Jr. High, hit you and when you went after him say stop trying to grab my weenie, really loud.
I felt insecure, like I did in Elementary school, Jr. High.
I started confessing something to Jaina and apologizing (something little) and she told me you don't have to say this, because I had an affair.... I said when, she said over a year ago. I was in shock... surprised. I puzzled should I try to have an affair to get here back, but now on the bramacharya path that was not attractive. I realized that who I would be hurting was me. Should I restructure the relationship? No clear answers came, but I was filled with a feeling of insecurity and inadequacy.
insights...
I remember now that many of the feelings of insecurity that I felt in this dream were my reality in the years of elementary school, high school and after. All of the the confusion, and loneliness, and fear of being young. I have a strong sense, that many of my karmas were expressed just at that young age, and now remain dormant until I am young again. I pray that my yoga efforts help to purify this suffering and in someway move me beyond this.
I understand 2 paradigms... One is try to rise up in power in the world.... This is temporary. Each life time we are thrown into the mix again, and destined for more suffering. The other paradigm is to get off the train. To cease to place importance on the dramas of human life and instead focus on yoga. To cease to spend energy trying to reproduce, and instead move towards liberation. In this way the "body" that my awareness rides would cease to exist. What would become of my awareness? Would it just take a new body? Would I be trapped in limbo? I realize I have fear and insecurity around this issue of being human.
I understand now that music begins as the expression of the human mating dance. People of African Origin have a beautiful gift for making such music.... so beautiful that not just women, but men are attracted to the art they create.
My power manifests later in life. As a young person I did not have charisma to interact with my fellow young people... as an adult I have set up a paradigm where I have something that others want.... i.e. Yoga, and so they have to respect me for my accumulated efforts. I sense that this has been a pattern before for me. That I begin life, the insecurities and struggles of being young with out much confidence, but then have a "longevity" or am able to manifest personal power more abundantly as life continues.
The practice would be to purify the seeds of immense suffering that afflict me when I am young.
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